i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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