Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize