are you still at the devil's house?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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