A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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