So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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