Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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