did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
