yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
