I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
