ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
