Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
