How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
