you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
