i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Randomize
