your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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