I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
