my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
