So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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