Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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