Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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