She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
