just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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