I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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