Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
