Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
