Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
