I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
