go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
