Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
