i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize