i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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