First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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