WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
