I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
