my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize