this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
