Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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