i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
