I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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