That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
