Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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