Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
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dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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