That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
