he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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