Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
