Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
