dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
