I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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