my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
