Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
