i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
