Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
