Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
