i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
