I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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