I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
