Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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