did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
