You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
