Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize