Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
