Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
