She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
