I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
