about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
