His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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